By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Learning how to ask for what you want in your relationship isn’t always so easy. Many of my clients (and myself included) have struggled to figure out how to ask our partners for more of what we want. In the following article I spell out the 3 levels of asking.
Level #1: Invitation
An invitation sounds pretty safe, right? Sure, who would be scared by a simple invitation? An invitation is simply an offer to do something. This is the lowest level of asking and this is where I would want you to start.
It could look like:
“Would you like to go for a walk with me?”
“Would you like to go out for dinner this week for sone one-on-one time?”
“Would you like to make love?”
If you find your invitation works, keep doing it! You’ll be surprised by how many partners will respond well to a simple invitation. If you find that your invitation isn’t working well, or maybe not working at all, go to the next level of asking.
Level #2: Requesting
Requesting moves asking up to the next level. A request is more formal and carries more weight than a simple invitation. Your request needs to be made from the ‘I’ position as you take ownership of what you want and deliver your message to your partner.
Examples of requests could look like the following:
“I would love it if we could do more things as a couple and would like for you to come on a walk with me around the neighborhood.”
“I could really use more time together alone with you, and want you get a sitter for the kids and set up a dinner date for us this Saturday night?”
“I’ve been feeling a bit distant and have missed feeling close to you physically.” “I’d like us to set aside time tonight to get in the mood and then possibly make love.”
As you can see, requests aren’t the same as invitations and show that you are truly in need of getting more of what you’re asking for. The same rule follows this level as applies to level 1. If you are getting more of what you want and your requests seem to be working, keep it up. If your requests aren’t working, it’s time to go to level 3.
Level #3: Demands
The third and final level of asking are demands. In my mind demands are reserved for issues that carry huge weight and importance in the relationship. You could think of these needs as “bottom-line needs” where you don’t see the relationship surviving if these needs aren’t’ being met.
Demands are inherently risky and should only be made with careful consideration. A demand is almost always followed by a negative consequence to give it more meaning and to establish more leverage. If you have tried your best with invitations and requests and have gotten nowhere, it may be time to consider a demand.
Demands would like something like the following:
“I’ve come to the place where I can’t stay in the relationship as long as you continue to ignore me and avoid spending time with me.” “In order for me to remain in the relationship I need you to make a huge effort to spend time with me on at least a weekly basis.” “For me spending time together would look like ___________.”
“I am no longer able to accept the lack of sex in our relationship.” “Having a healthy sex life with my partner is a bottom-line need for me.” “I need you to attend therapy with me or on your own to sort out the issues that have led to our lack of sex.” “If you aren’t willing to attend therapy and work on our sex life, I will be taking the following action __________.”
How Douglas Counseling Can Help
Douglas Counseling specializes in relationships and couples counseling. Learning how to go after what you need in a healthy way is a crucial skill to have. The better you get at speaking out about what you need, the more your needs will be fulfilled.
If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
