By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Relationships are fluid and continuously moving through one of three phases at any given time. The three phases of relationships are Connection, Disconnection, and Repair. I’ll tell you a bit about each phase including what to expect as your relationship passes through and which phase to focus on if your relationship feels stuck.
Phase #1: Connection
Connection is great. We all love connection. When your relationship is in this phase all feels right with the world. You and your partner seem to be “on the same page.” You have a good sense of how your partner is feeling (that’s part of the connection) and they seem largely present to meet the majority of your needs. You’re getting along well with very limited conflict and feel like real partners joining forces to take on the world.
The phase of connection is awesome, and this phase is where most relationships start. In the beginning we are more willing to overlook our partner’s shortcomings and give them the benefit of the doubt. Terry Real, noted couples therapist and author calls the phase of connection “love without knowledge.” The sad truth about the phase of connection is that it can’t remain intact forever. Our intimate partnered relationships are just not meant for a perpetually connected state of bliss. Like all good things, this phase of connection must come to an end.
Phase #2: Disconnection
As much as we all love the connection phase, the disconnection phase shares similar unanimity in the opposite direction. The phase of disconnection can start with a small rupture (like a disappointing anniversary gift) or with a massive traumatic event (like the discovery of an affair).
The signs that your relationship is in the phase of disconnection look like the following:
- Hurt feelings
- More physical and emotional distance between partners
- A lack of patience between partners
- Increased conflict
- Decreased kindness and respect
- Arguments about whose position is “right” or “wrong”
- Questioning whether the relationship or your partner is a good fit
- Feeling like you rarely get resolution with issues
In most cases having your relationship descend into the state of disconnection isn’t a sign that you need to panic. The reality is you can expect your relationship to cycle through this phase on a somewhat regular basis. If the disconnection is relatively small and easily repaired, your layover in this phase might only be a few minutes or hours. Typically, the larger the trauma that led to the disconnection, the longer you’ll be here.
Just because you are disconnected from your partner doesn’t mean your relationship is inherently flawed. What is does mean is that you need to focus on shifting to the third and final phase of repair.
Phase #3: Repair
My years of working with couples has taught me many things, and one of the most important lessons is: Successful couples know how to repair. Almost all of us start in the phase of connection, we will all find ourselves disconnected at times, and what we need to learn to do is repair.
Repairing the connection can take many forms. One form of simple repair is simply making an effort to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings. When people know they have been heard, they feel closer and more connected to the person willing to listen. Another form of repair is making changes to current behaviors. If your partner wants more or less of a certain behavior, making the change on your end will likely lead to a renewed sense of safety, trust, and a return to connection.
Repairing small ruptures can be done quickly and efficiently as long as you have a solid process for repair that works. Dealing with larger ruptures that begin with a relationship trauma can take much longer to heal. Keep this rule of thumb in mind when thinking about the phase of repair: The larger the trauma to the bond, the longer the phase of disconnection will be and the more time, energy, and motivation will be needed to achieve repair.
The Takeaway
Our relationships are constantly moving through the three phases of connection, disconnection, and repair. We all love and are great at the connection phase. We all hate being in a state of disconnection and hope to return to connection as quickly as possible. Most people don’t have a solid model for repair. This is where the work needs to be done!!
I suggest reaching out for help if you feel your relationship is spending too much time in the phase of disconnection. Again, it’s not a problem to land here at times, but this is no place to set up camp and live. Couples therapy can help you learn a process for repair that actually works. The better you get at repair the less time you spend in disconnection and the more time you’ll get to enjoy feeling connected in your relationship.
Reaching Out for Help
If your relationship spends too much time in the phase of disconnection, it may be time to reach out for help. Chances are that you have become stuck in a cycle or pattern with your partner that is creating more conflict, distance, and preventing the repair process.
Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples get unstuck from their negative patterns and teaches couples how to build a solid process for repair. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-16611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
